


Never Say Never

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 00:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14557347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: The events of Repression last for a month, and Chakotay takes from Janeway what he has always wanted, subjecting her to a nightly catalogue of abuse. The trauma leaves Janeway pregnant, two broken people and a shattered relationship. Is there any way of recovering the dream that once sustained them?Setting: Season 7 Repression and post EndgameWarning: Non-consensual sex, which I have tried not to describe in lurid detail.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I would write anything like this, but a few stories ago I commented that I didn't think Chakotay would ever force himself on Kathryn, except possibly under Teero's influence. I'm afraid the characters insisted on telling me this story. It is not my intention to titillate in writing this, rather to focus on the emotional fallout. Therefore, I have tried not to go into too much lurid graphic detail about what happened during the abuse. I always feel somewhat angry when anyone writes such a story, suggesting that Janeway would secretly enjoy it. She wouldn't. Nor would she jump back into bed with him at the earliest opportunity afterwards. Get real! Okay?
> 
> I have had to mess with some of the events and timings in series 7 for this, folks. Please allow for some artistic license on this.  
> Revised slightly from story originally posted on my site.

Mike Ayala fell into step beside his Captain. 

"Janeway's safely back in the Brig. I've sent Parsons to join Doyle." 

"Good. We don't want Doyle sleeping on the job. That woman is a menace. The guards must be vigilant." 

"B'Elanna's looking into the problem with the warp plasma injectors. It will take her longer without all the Fleet crew." 

"She's a resourceful lady. She'll get it done." 

"Any orders, Sir?" he asked, as they closed on Chakotay's quarters. 

"Watch Tuvok like a hawk. I know he passed our little test back there, but if he goes anywhere near our prisoners, I want to know about it. And don't let him anywhere near Janeway." 

"Understood." 

The door opened, and Chakotay stepped inside. His cold eyes swung back to his now second in command. "And have the bitch brought to me in my quarters at 18.00 hours!" 

Ayala didn't bat an eyelid. "Yes, sir." 

* * *

  


When Ayala himself came with Jor to move her, Janeway knew it didn't bode well. After all, she'd just spent several hours trying to come to terms with the fact that her two best friends out here in the Delta Quadrant had nearly killed her earlier. She was dragged roughly from the Brig and frog-marched along the eerily quiet corridors with a phaser in her back. When she realised their destination was Chakotay's quarters, she had more than an inkling of what was in store for her, and her blood ran cold. 

The two Maquis entered with her, each holding one of her arms. She was rather surprised to note that the table was laid for dinner. There were candles, music…the works. Anyone would have thought that this was to be a romantic interlude, but the enchanting surroundings belied the nature of their encounter, and did nothing to alleviate the nauseous alarm she felt churning deep in her gut. 

"Sit down!" he ordered. The two Maquis released her, and she took the seat opposite his. "You two can step outside." 

"Sir, with all due respect, I don't think we should leave you alone with…her." 

"She won't misbehave. She's not that stupid. She knows the lives of her crew are at stake. Any sign of trouble and you can start shooting them." 

"That's barbaric!" Janeway protested. 

"We aren't on a pleasure cruise any more!" 

"Chakotay, this isn't you. These people are your friends! You've served with them for six years." 

Chakotay sneered. "She doesn't think I'll do it," he commented, his eyes raking over her thoughtfully. "Maybe we need a little demonstration. Mike, go fetch…Harry Kim. Bring him up here with a phaser to his head." 

"Yes, sir." Ayala left. 

"Chakotay…you can't!" 

"Oh, I assure you I can. Would you prefer I sent for Naomi Wildman? Imagine what it would do to her!" 

"No…don't!" 

"Then you get my meaning?" 

"Yes!" 

"Good. Jor, wait outside with Kim when he comes. If there's any trouble, kill him. Otherwise, I wish to be alone with…our esteemed former captain." 

Jor nodded, and the door swished as he too departed, leaving the two of them alone. 

Chakotay rose and brought two bowls over from a preparation area. He placed one in front of his guest. "Mushroom soup. Only the best. I imagine you're very hungry." She was. She'd had no food in all the time she'd been in the Brig. She poured herself a glass of water, and drank greedily, but eyed the soup with distaste. She was in no mood to eat. She was doing her best to keep a professional calm, whilst deep down her emotions were in turmoil. 

He sat and began to eat his. It was quality stuff, and he muttered his appreciation. Janeway made no move to eat hers. 

"I suggest you eat it. If you go back to the Brig starving, I won't be sending any sustenance up there." Reluctantly, she lifted her spoon. "Good. I'd hate to see such good food go to waste. And your crew won't be thrilled to be left on a planet with no leader, just because she was stubborn enough to refuse to eat." 

She took a sip, and then broke off a piece of bread. "That is still your plan then…to find us an M-class planet?" 

"Of course, if you are co-operative. If not, well...you are all a serious inconvenience. You'll appreciate that I haven't really got the manpower to guard you all. They're all sealed in the Cargo Bay. I can blow the hatch with the push of this button." He pulled a small black object momentarily from a pocket with a blue button at its centre. 

"You wouldn't!" 

"Just try me!" he dared. Janeway stared at him icily. She wondered if he would do it. There was an unfamiliar darkness in his eyes. She thought he would. 

She took another sip of the soup. "Have they got food?" 

"They have replicators. Food, drink and medical supplies only. I've seen to that. We are not animals." 

The look of contempt in her eyes suggested that she thought they were. 

He shrugged. "Think what you like. But believe me when I tell you, things will be a whole lot better for them if you are co-operative." 

She forced herself to eat a few more spoonfuls…after all she didn't know when she would next be offered any nourishment. The soup was good, but it cloyed in her throat. Finally, she dropped the spoon with a clatter. 

"Not to your taste? I thought it was rather good myself." Janeway watched him finish his bowl in silence. She wondered if it was wise or foolish to provoke him. Was there any chance she could reach the real Chakotay? 

"Are you still mad at me for having Tuvok fire at you earlier?" he continued. 

"Did you know the phaser was defective, or was it your intention to kill me?" 

"The phaser was defective because I had tampered with it. You were never going to die, Kathryn Janeway. I have much more interesting plans for you. Your crew can live or die for all I care. They're little more than a bargaining chip to me. But you...you're a far too sensual and intriguing woman. You deserve an entirely different fate." 

He cleared the bowls, and returned with a bottle of fine wine. When he offered her some, she made no comment, but he poured her a glass anyway. Then he brought two plates of aubergine pasta. It looked appetising, but Janeway stared at it rather blankly. 

Chakotay attacked his with great gusto, but she only seemed to be pushing it around the plate with her fork. 

"Chakotay, you will regret this. You don't have to be Teero's puppet…you can fight him. You know this isn't right…" 

"Oh, it's so very right. More to the point, I've been your puppet for six years. Time to turn the tables, don't you think?" 

"I've always treated you very fairly…all of you!" He just snorted. "Besides…the Maquis rebellion is over in the Alpha Quadrant!" 

"Then we will just have to revive it again." 

"It may be a life-time before we're home…" 

"It would have been with you in charge…investigating every mystery phenomenon, befriending every willing civilisation, going out of your way to put this ship in the path of every hostile alien ship in the quadrant. Really, you are far too inquisitive for your own good, and it's a wonder we haven't long since been blown to pieces." 

"It's always been my primary mission to get us home, you know it has." 

"Well, we'll do things my way from now on." 

"You won't be able to do it with just the crew you've got." 

"You make too many assumptions. Perhaps Delta Quadrant domination is more to my liking. What have we to go home for, anyway? You know, we could have everything we want...right here. Aren't you eating that?" 

"I'm not hungry," she said, dropping the fork. 

"That's hard to believe." 

"It sticks in my throat!" she sneered. 

"Perhaps I'll get someone to hold you, while I force it down!" She looked at him disdainfully, then lifted the fork again and half-heartedly attempted to eat some more. He grinned. "You always used to enjoy our dinners together." 

"You aren't that man." 

He smiled at her through the ruby liquid in his wine glass. "That man was a fool. He let you get away with far too much. Not anymore." 

"He's still in there somewhere. Chakotay, search yourself. Where has your conscience gone?" 

"Consciences are for the weak." 

"This is Teero talking." 

"You need to lighten up. You could enjoy this." She looked at him in utter disbelief, and dropped her fork again. "Kathryn, I'm very disappointed. You should have eaten that. Food is precious around here, as you very well know. Besides, I like my women to have some stamina." 

"I am not your woman." 

"Ah, but you pretty soon will be." She threw him a look of horror. Deep down she wasn't surprised. 

"You are worse than the Cardassians." 

"Oh, no. Nothing like the Cardassians. They play with you for weeks. Subject you to a lingering and painful death. It's just a game to them. They take great pains to bring you to within an inch of your life, then pull back. They delight in prolonging your agony, as I'm sure you're very well aware. I, however, would much prefer to treat you well. Play your cards right, and no-one need get hurt here. You could be safely established on a lush M-class planet in about four weeks." 

"Four weeks?" 

"Yes, there's the perfect planet on long distance scanners. Luscious plant life, abundant resources, some small fauna, no humanoids. Thirty days away or so. Of course, there are a few less suitable places rather nearer, if you don't wish to remain our guests for the duration." 

"Do we have a choice?" 

"No. You have the choice. It's pretty clear cut. Give me what you've denied me all these years…stop acting the frigid bitch. I'd much rather have a willing woman in my bed. And I act the benevolent guardian, and treat your crew well. Let's face it, you've wanted me since I beamed on board. You should thank me, my dear, for relieving you of that wretched thing called protocol. The alternative isn't pretty. Do you want me to spell it out to you?" 

She eyed him icily. "You are deluding yourself if you think I would ever do this willingly. This is coercion however you choose to dress it up." 

He stared at her coldly for a long while, assessing the extent of her resistance. "Frigid bitch! You will regret this!" He hit his comm badge. "Ayala?" 

"Yes sir?" 

"Bring Kim in here." 

The door opened, and the two Maquis dragged Harry Kim into the room. The poor man was doing his best to put on a brave face, but Janeway could see the terror in his eyes. Ayala had his phaser jammed in Kim's ear. 

"Harry? Are you alright?" asked Janeway. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Have you been fed?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"A little demonstration, if you please!" ordered Chakotay. 

Before Janeway could react, Ayala lowered his phaser and shot Kim in the foot. There was a blood-curdling howl, as Kim slumped in pain. The phaser was returned to his ear. 

"Harry!" yelled Janeway, starting forward, but Chakotay grabbed her and held her back, pinning her arms behind her. 

"Now, my dear, do we need any more demonstrations? With more careful aim, we can do much more permanent damage..." he whispered hotly in her ear. For a second, she did not respond. For a few seconds Chakotay and Ayala communicated silently with their eyes, before Ayala moved the phaser to point at Kim's groin. Chakotay shook Janeway's shoulder. "Well, do we?" 

"No!" she said, shutting her eyes. 

"Shall I let them take him for medical treatment?" 

"Yes." 

"Good girl!" A tilt of his head indicated that they remove Harry Kim from the room, and the suffering man was dragged away. "Very wise, my dear. I really wouldn't have liked to have shot any more bits off the young man. Perhaps even forced him to watch while I took you. And make no mistake, I will take you...even if I have to draft in half a dozen Maquis to hold you down while I do it. But, now that we've come to an understanding, I really think you would prefer to suffer your humiliation in private." 

"You will regret this." 

"Oh, I think not. I intend to savour every moment. We've wanted each other for a long time." 

"You aren't the Chakotay I care about. He would never do this." 

"I am that Chakotay, no doubt with a few of my scruples removed. They were rather inhibiting. I cannot believe I allowed you to keep me out of your bed for six years. It's all been very frustrating, Kathryn. For both of us." 

"Let me be clear. I am not consenting to this." 

"No, but you will submit. I would prefer to make love to a willing woman." 

"This is rape, Chakotay. Not making love." 

"Are you refusing?" She didn't answer. "Are you refusing?" he asked more forcefully. "Because if you are, I can soon have Kim brought back in here..." 

She took a deep breath and lifted her head. She didn't see that she had any option. "You leave me no choice." 

"Good, then I suggest you relax. You might even enjoy it." 

She gave half a laugh. What idiot would ever think that? 

"And just to be clear...Ayala has orders to blow the Cargo Bay door, if anything should happen to me." She scowled at him, as he studied her carefully. "Would you like any more to eat? Some more wine?" Janeway looked at him incredulously. The bile was rising in her throat. She couldn't possibly swallow anything. He took her look as a negative, and sat back down at the table, refilling his wine glass. He fixed her with a dark glare. "Then it's time to strip." She did not move for a moment, studying him carefully and wondering if there was any way out of this. "You can start with those four damned pips!" he said, gesturing towards them with his glass. His tone gave no room for compromise. 

She squeezed her eyes shut in resignation. Slowly, reluctantly, she began. The pips were placed on the table. He watched her with shining appreciative eyes over the rim of his glass and a half grin hovering on his lips. He savoured every moment as the uniform was shed, coming away in layers and slowly revealing her beautiful unblemished body. Finally she stood before him completely naked, her head held high and her eyes challenging him with some air of defiance. 

He studied her in silence for long heavy minutes. "Beautiful!" he said at last, his voice strangely gentle as it cut through the charged air. "It really was criminal to hide that amazing body under that uniform where nobody could see it." Janeway said nothing. She was mentally trying to distance herself from what was happening to her body, as some sort of emotional defence mechanism. "Come here!" he ordered, holding out his hand. She approached him, and he pulled her into his lap, bringing his lips to her unresponsive mouth. He was able to force her lips apart, despite her resistance. His hands began to explore and taunt her body. Janeway's mind drifted into some distant place, where she hoped he couldn't touch her. 

Then, with one arm he swept away the plates and cutlery on the table, creating a space, and lifted her up onto the surface, bringing her breasts within easy reach of his mouth. He pushed her resistant trembling thighs apart, and his darkened eyes swept her body hungrily, burning the image in his memory. Here was the mighty and magnificent Kathryn Janeway in meek, submissive surrender before him, completely and humbly exposed to his lustful gaze! It was all too delicious. He licked his parched lips with a salivating tongue, as he contemplated quenching the thirst he had harboured for this woman for six years. 

Reaching down, he freed his own arousal from its confines. He was throbbing hugely, swollen with excitement and anticipation. He gave a half smile to himself, as he surged forward to kiss her in places he had no right to touch. 

There, on the table amongst the broken crockery, he began his assault in earnest, tearing down the final barriers that had kept the lofty Kathryn Janeway out of his reach for so long. Ripping apart the threads of their friendship, did he but know it. 


	2. Chapter 2

He took her three times during the evening, moving her to his bed after the initial assault. When he had finished with her, he allowed her into the bathroom, keeping the door open and a watchful eye on her for any signs of trickery. He scoffed as she retched over the toilet bowl, but allowed her to take a shower and gave her a clean uniform afterwards. Janeway said not a word for hours. In fact, she had bitten hard on her bottom lip, to prevent herself from crying out at the monstrous invasion of her sensitive flesh. He appeared not to notice any of this, or, if he did, he refrained from commenting. 

As he sent her back to the Brig, he told her that he would have loved to have her sleep the night in his bed. It would have been so much more comfortable for her, but he didn't dare take the risk. She was not to be trusted. He wouldn't have given much for his chances of waking up again in the morning. 

So she spent the night on a cold hard bed in the dim light of the Brig, her back to her guards and the tears slipping silently and covertly down her face. She couldn't sleep. She could only feel the pain. The pain of her humiliation, of her abused body and spirit, but mostly of her lost dream. She had loved Chakotay. She had never told him, but she had. She had wanted to be his lover someday. But not like this. Oh G-d, not like this. 

The next evening followed a similar pattern, although she did force herself to eat some more. She had had nothing in the Brig, and she knew she needed the strength. She occasionally caught a look of tenderness in his eyes, and it stirred her to think that maybe her Chakotay was still in there somewhere. Maybe, if she was watchful and patient, she might reach him. 

The third evening, they argued over dinner. He told her she should be doing her best to enjoy it. If she made a bit more of an effort, he might keep her and not dump her with the rest of the crew on the planet. He desired a long term mate. 

"Don't look so damned miserable. Show a bit of enthusiasm!" 

"Enthusiasm? You're raping me!" 

"But I can make you enjoy it. I can make you come…" 

She sneered. "You can trick my body…make it do just about anything you please. But you can never, never make my inner spirit enjoy the experience." 

The anger flared in him. His fist bowled out and hit her firmly on the cheekbone, sending her flying backwards. "Ungrateful bitch. To think I loved you once!" As Janeway struggled to stand, her hand went up to stem the flow of blood from the corner of her mouth and the pain began to radiate outwards. She glared at him defiantly. He met her gaze, heaving with anger, then dragged her into the bedroom and slammed her onto the bed, ripping her clothes from her body. That night he took her roughly, mercilessly, possessively. 

It was over quickly, and when he had spent his anger on her, he called Ayala back in. He had her taken back to the Brig in her torn clothes. She had had little to eat and no shower that night, and her blackened face was puffing up alarmingly. But it was the only time he hit her. 

Hours passed with her unattended, but perhaps he had some attack of conscience. In the early hours of the morning the Doctor attended her in the Brig. He dealt with a number of lacerations, loose teeth and swollen tissue, whispering what soothing words he could under the circumstances, in a futile attempt to comfort the stricken woman. He also brought clean clothes. 

The fourth night brought a shocking change to the proceedings. Instead of being frog-marched to Chakotay's quarters, she was taken to Sickbay, where Chakotay was already waiting for her. He bade her lie on a bio-bed, and her escorts left. He activated the EMH. 

He first asked the EMH to check her physically, who confirmed, his condemnation of Chakotay's actions evident in his tone, that the injuries from the previous night were healing. He also noted that she was somewhat under-nourished. 

"I'll make sure she eats more, Doctor," Chakotay said dismissively. "Now, I want you to remove her contraceptive implant." The Doctor and Janeway both looked at him in shock. "Did you hear me?" 

"I cannot do that without the patient's permission!" protested the EMH. 

"She gives her permission," Chakotay hissed. He looked meaningfully at Janeway. "Doesn't she?" She didn't immediately answer. "She knows the consequences, if she doesn't," he added, with menace. As if to emphasise the point, he pulled the Cargo Bay button from a pocket, and ran his thumb over it a few times. 

"Yes," she said, quietly. 

"You heard that, Doctor. Do it!" 

"You want me to remove your contraceptive implant?" asked the EMH of Janeway. 

"I want you to do as he says," she responded reluctantly. 

"And when you've done that, you can replace it with a fertility enhancer. I want to father a bastard off this bitch. And no tricks, Doctor! I shall be checking your work." 

The doctor only hesitated for a few more moments, before he began work. He had no doubt that Janeway's consent was given under duress, but had seen more than enough over the past few days to understand the dire consequences of her non-compliance. "I should point out, that it is usually advisable to allow a woman a few normal cycles before proceeding to fertilisation." 

"We don't have time," Chakotay said brusquely. 

"As you wish." The Doctor reluctantly removed a device from Janeway's belly, aware that Chakotay was watching his every move. The instant it was removed, Chakotay scanned it thoroughly to verify its identity. 

The Doctor then took another device from a storage container, and made to implant it into Janeway. "And now we have the fertility enhancer!" he commented. 

"Let me check that!" 

"Really, there's no need…" said the EMH. 

Chakotay merely wriggled his fingers at the hologram. The EMH reluctantly handed the device over for scanning. 

"Vitamin supplements!" said Chakotay, angrily. 

The Doctor hastily covered his attempt to deceive. "Well, she will need those too, if she is to conceive! As I said, she is malnourished." 

"Do it!" he said, handing the vitamin diffuser back to the Doctor. "And then get the fertility enhancer. Any more tricks, and I will complete the procedure myself, which I'm sure will be significantly more painful for your patient." 

The Doctor reluctantly did as he was told. He implanted the vitamin diffuser and a fertility enhancer. Janeway lay on the bio-bed, suffering in silence, but once or twice the Doctor squeezed her hand in a vain attempt to offer her his support. When he had finished, he looked up at Chakotay. 

"I want a fertility monitor too, if you don't mind." The Doctor didn't blink. The man had thought of everything. He replicated the required instrument and placed it in Chakotay's hand. 

"Did you want instructions too?" he said sarcastically. 

"I've already downloaded them into my terminal. I know how to use it. Computer, deactivate EMH." The Doctor shimmered out of existence, and Chakotay surprisingly asked Janeway if she was in any pain. 

He marched her back to his quarters, phaser gun in hand, but she knew it was futile to attempt escape. That night he replicated dinner, and he cajoled her into eating some. He tried hard to engage her in conversation over the meal. The only topic she ever appeared to show any interest in was the welfare of her crew. 

"I don't know where your tongue has gone! We used to have such engaging conversations over dinner." 

"Isn't it enough that you violate my body, without my having to talk to you as well?" 

"Pity. It would have made our little soirées more interesting. How's your pasta?" 

"It's good." 

He nodded, pleased she'd actually answered with pleasant words. "It is." He ate a few more mouthfuls, and took a swig of wine. "Tell me, did I shock you with our little trip to Sickbay earlier?" Her look of disdain showed she had been. "How do you feel about being a mother?" 

She looked at him in surprise. "Does it matter how I feel? I don't see myself getting much choice here." 

"No, it doesn't. But I'm interested to hear anyway." She shrugged her shoulders. "I always thought you held a desire to punch out a couple of brats." 

"Not out here in the Delta Quadrant. And not without the man of my choosing!" 

"Oh!" he said, fork halfway to his mouth, "I always thought I was the man of choice." 

"You're not him anymore." 

He grinned, and swallowed the contents of his fork, waving it vaguely back in her direction. "Well, my dear, my behaviour patterns may be a little less tolerant, but let me reassure you, my DNA hasn't been altered in any way. You should be pleased. You couldn't have contemplated it while captaining this ship, and I've relieved you of the burden. Let's face it, your biological clock is ticking away, and by your methods we are still 30 years from home. If we waited till you got us home, it would be too late." 

She sniffed. "I'm sure you're capable of justifying anything with your twisted logic." 

"Twisted logic? You were the one with the twisted logic, my dear. The one that thought we had to stick rigidly to Starfleet protocols out here, with precious little chance of ever having to face any inquest into our interpretation of the rules! If you hadn't been so intransigent, we'd probably be onto our third by now." 

The days dragged by for Janeway. Long, lonely and boring, filled with dread of the coming evening. During the day, Chakotay busied himself with ship's business, though they seemed to be in a particularly quiet part of space at the time. The evenings he reserved for her. At 18.00 hours, she would be brought to his quarters, wined, dined, and, after having the fertility monitor scan her, taken through into his bedroom so that he could satisfy his lust on her. Did he ever notice the vacancy in her eyes as he did so? Would it have bothered him, if he had? He still allowed the shower and the clean clothes afterwards, but he had dispensed with the Starfleet uniform. She had been made to wear Maquis clothes instead. She was a Maquis whore now, he told her. 

Once, Ayala had walked in on them, while she was spread-eagled naked on the bed. She curled defensively into a ball. 

"Damn it, Ayala!" shouted Chakotay. "Don't you know I'm not to be disturbed when I'm with her!" 

"Sorry, sir, but it is important. There are some urgent reports here from engineering. And we need your approval for a course correction. There's a space station three hours off the port bow. Looks heavily fortified, and we could come within their weapons range if we continue on the current course. I take it you wish to avoid a confrontation?" 

"Yes, yes," said Chakotay impatiently. 

"This is our suggested new course." He waved a padd at him. 

"Approved," snapped Chakotay, hardly glancing at the thing. "Next time comm me, but only if it's absolutely necessary." 

Ayala looked at him curiously. "Don't Maquis rules apply here, sir? You never worried before when anyone walked in on you when you were with Seska." 

"No, they don't. Seska was a common whore. She screwed everyone in sight, in more ways than one. She didn't deserve any respect. This is different. This is one classy lady, though not nearly so frigid as she'd like to have us believe. You're looking at the future mother of my children." He took hold of Janeway's hand and tugged her out of her curled position, as she reddened with humiliation. "Let him see you, dear!" He looked back at his second in command. "Take a good look, Ayala. Isn't she magnificent?" 

"Yes, sir," said Ayala, eyeing Janeway appreciatively. 

Chakotay nodded, enjoying Ayala's obvious admiration, well aware that the man had harboured fantasies of his own about their former Captain. "That's the last time you look at her like that. The very last time. Understand this, if I catch anyone, you included, near her like this again, I'll gouge out their eyes. And then I'll kill them!" 

Ayala glanced at Chakotay in shock, and realised immediately that he meant every word he had said. "Understood, s-sir. My apologies. I'll leave you alone!" he stammered, and left as quickly as he could. 

On one other occasion, he was called urgently to the Bridge during their time together. He dragged her with him, bare-footed and wrapped in one of his own dressing gowns. It turned out to be a minor skirmish, which was soon settled. She actually made a couple of helpful suggestions. It was soon obvious that the situation was under control, so she took the time to assess the state of the Bridge. There had been few changes, just a few symbols of Starfleet torn from their moorings. She wondered if she would gain an opportunity to tap into the ship's security systems, but it was not to be. The opposition turned out to be insufficiently distracting. Chakotay used the opportunity however to take her into the Ready Room for the rest of the evening's entertainment, wherein he realised a few long held fantasies of his. 

A number of days later, the dinner dispensed with, he got the response from the fertility monitor he had been waiting for. He threw her a huge grin. "You're ovulating!" he exclaimed. Janeway closed her eyes in distress. She had known this moment would come, but she had been dreading it nonetheless. "Come, my dear," he said taking her hand and escorting her into his bedroom, "We have a little Maquis to make!" 

He took particular care with her that night, more tender than usual, but holding her firmly afterwards, hips raised, to ensure that his seed did not trickle from her body. Janeway let all this happen to her with quiet resignation. She had neither the strength nor the luxury of resisting. He had several times reiterated his intention to torture a member of her crew, if she tried anything. Given Kim's experience, she knew he meant it. 

If he had been after secure information, such as the access codes for the ship, she would have been duty bound to resist, no matter the consequences to her crew. But he had the access codes for the ship already, a result of six years of trust. To Janeway, the safety of her crew was more valuable than her own personal safety. She would willingly sacrifice herself for her crew. That was what she was doing effectively. Over and over. Night after night. It was only her body he was violating, wasn't it? Could he touch her deep inside? Time would tell, but she would survive this, she told herself. 

As she lay on her lonely bunk later that night, she could only wonder at what was happening inside her body. Was the unthinkable happening? Miraculous, yet terrible. And, if it was, there was not a damn thing she could do to stop it. 

She got her answer a week or so later, when they were only two days from the M-class planet the Maquis had selected for the abandonment of their prisoners. Chakotay took Janeway to Sickbay again. His scans had indicated that a pregnancy had been achieved, a matter which he was inwardly somewhat elated about, but he wanted the Doctor's confirmation. 

He again had Janeway lie on a bio-bed. She did so numbly, already aware of what the result would be. She already sensed the changes in her body, and the fertility monitor was unlikely to be wrong. Chakotay activated the EMH, and the matter was quickly explained. The Doctor scanned the woman on the bed, meeting her eyes with a sympathetic gaze. He saw she already knew the truth. 

"Well?" asked Chakotay. 

The Doctor closed his scanner with a sigh. "I can inform you that the fertility enhancer has been doubly effective. My patient is expecting twins." 

"Twins?" 

"Yes. Non-identical. Did you wish to know the sex?" 

"If you wouldn't mind." 

"One male. One female. Approximately seven day embryos." 

"And are they healthy?" 

"They are genetically normal, and at this stage everything is proceeding as expected." 

"Good." 

"If you have no objections, I will administer some further vitamin supplements. I will leave the fertility enhancer in place. It should by now have adapted to help stabilise the pregnancy." He glanced at his patient, and smiled. She had tears in her eyes. Tears of joy or despair, he could only speculate. He squeezed her hand. What other comfort could he offer her? 

"Agreed. But I will check them first." 

"Naturally," concluded the Doctor. 

* * *

  


On the way back to his quarters, Chakotay expressed his pleasure at the news. 

"Isn't this wonderful, Kathryn?" 

"You may think so." 

"You will be a mother. I will be a father!" 

"And you are going to abandon us to live out our lives on some God-forsaken planet…" 

"Ah, well. I was hoping you would agree to stay…" 

She was shocked at this. "Agree to stay? You think I would abandon my crew? Never!" 

"Huh! I should have guessed. Always the loyal captain…no matter what the cost. Don't you think they're resourceful enough to look after themselves?" 

"I still won't abandon them." 

"Well, you will understand, of course, that I cannot keep them aboard any longer. They are too big a drain on resources, whilst not contributing anything to the running of the ship. Besides, they've already been confined to the Cargo Bay for too long. They will be much more comfortable on the planet. Pity though. I thought you might have seen the merits of staying and throwing your hand in with us." 

"And allow you to continue to vent your lust on my body nightly?" 

"Really, my dear, you are too obstinate! I thought you would be coming round by now. Why are you still so intransigent, in spite of my best efforts to give you some enjoyment when I screw you?" 

"And whom would you torture to ensure my complicity?" 

"Ah!" he laughed. "Good point! You still have some sense of humour. I'm glad. Still, I see you are not yet willing to do this voluntarily, so I regret I will have to send you with them. Never fear, though. I will be back for my offspring when they're born. What? You don't think I'd leave them there, do you? After all the trouble I've gone to?" 

Her jaw dropped. "You'd take them from their mother?" 

"Only if you chose not to accompany them." 

"They're a bargaining chip?" 

"Oh yes. They are. But don't think that I would be so narrow minded as to only want them for that purpose." 

"Chakotay, you've turned into an sick uncaring man." 

"You're entitled to your opinion, of course." 

"Is this revenge for what Seska did to you?" 

"I hadn't thought of that. Maybe. In part. And for your holding yourself out of reach for so long…" 

"I'm not Seska." 

"No, you're not," he said more gently. "That is why I chose you to be the mother of my children. If you had been like her, I would have killed you instead. Come, my dear, I have a wonderful meal prepared for you. We're celebrating." 

* * *

  


Tuvok had slowly been winning his battle with Teero over the last few weeks and realising that he had to act. This was the moment. He was running out of time. They'd been in orbit around the planet for twenty-four hours. Supplies and basic shelter had been transported to the surface, and the Fleet crew were being shunted in small groups to the transporter room and thence down to the surface. He had been aware that the Fleet crew had been kept safe but uncomfortable in the Cargo Bay for the duration, so he had bided his time. However, he had been unaware of the treatment meted out to Janeway. He had been unable to see her since the afternoon he had been ordered to shoot her, and the Maquis crew had been decidedly taciturn about her fate. He suspected rightly that he was being kept away from her. 

For several hours, the Maquis were being kept busy controlling the prisoners, and he knew this afforded him an opportunity. Not only were the Maquis very occupied, but he also knew that, as the Cargo Bay emptied, the Maquis' ability to instantly counterattack diminished. For weeks, the threat of blowing the Cargo Bay door at the push of a single button or a few simple words from Chakotay, instantaneously sending nearly a hundred people to their death, had been a powerful weapon against Janeway and himself. To him, it had simply meant he needed to be cautious and wait for the right moment. For Janeway, although he did not know it yet, it had meant subjection to a nightly catalogue of abuse. 

It took him awhile to excuse himself from the Bridge tasks he had been given, without it drawing attention. Then he made his way to Sickbay to avail himself of the Doctor's mobile emitter. He thought the Doctor might prove useful. He lay low, until he knew the Cargo Bay was almost empty. 

He stole through the corridors unnoticed, and came up on Chakotay's quarters. He held himself in the shadows just beyond Chakotay's door and waited. He was aware that Chakotay and Janeway were both in there, and would likely be heading for the transporter room some time soon. He didn't wait long before the door slid open. Chakotay and Janeway exited the room and marched away from him. Janeway was back in her Starfleet uniform, and Chakotay was nudging her back, somewhat casually, with a phaser. She would be the last to leave. 

"And remember," he heard Chakotay say, "we will be back. And if I find you have done anything to jeopardise the well-being of my children, my revenge will be merciless and horrible. And not just for you." 

"This ship is no place to bring up children." 

"Oh, I think it could be…." His phaser-wielding hand wavered for just a moment, and Tuvok struck, downing Chakotay with a Vulcan pinch. Janeway twisted round, quickly reacting to the situation and grabbing the phaser. 

"Captain, are you alright?" he said, assessing the rather drained looking woman in front of him. 

"I will be soon," she said. 

"A mind meld should be sufficient…" said Tuvok, turning the unconscious man over and placing his digits on his face. "My mind to your mind…My thoughts to your thoughts…." For a moment the trance took over, while Janeway stood guard, noting the strain in Tuvok's face. When he had done, he activated the EMH and the three of them dragged the body back into Chakotay's quarters, phasering the locking mechanism shut as they left. 

They only had one phaser between the three of them, so they snuck their way to a weapons locker and armed themselves. Then they headed for the transporter room. On their way, they encountered three Maquis, whom they managed to down without firing weapons, thus avoiding alerting the Bridge to weapons fire too soon. Mind melds soon brought them to their senses and the two conscious ones joined the task force. The third was hidden temporarily. 

They took the transporter room completely by surprise, and were able to stun the two transporter operators easily. Neelix and four other crewmen, the last group of prisoners, were on the pads waiting to be sent to the surface. Their two guards turned to the assailants and started firing. However, the humanoids on the transporter pads soon felled them from behind, Neelix making a particularly impressive swipe with a frying pan. Mind melds soon restored the various conscious Maquis to their former state of mind. 

Neelix threw his arms round Janeway in delight. "It's good to see you Captain." 

She responded easily, stretching her own arms round him. It was the first bit of genuine affection she had felt in weeks. Neelix threw his arms around the Doctor and Tuvok too, but they were not as appreciative. 

"Right. We must do this methodically!" said Janeway, switching immediately into command mode. "We must sweep the ship and we mustn't miss anyone. Jennings," she said, addressing one of the recovered transporter officers, "get Vorik back up here at once. Tuvok may need some assistance here. Then the other senior officers and the rest of the crew." 

"Aye, Captain." 

"We will establish a command centre here." She nodded at some crewmen. "You three! Outside in the corridor and stand guard! Give me a comm badge, one of you!" The three officers she indicated left, one of them leaving her the desired badge. "I want a systematic sweep of the ship, starting with engineering. Tuvok, you know what you have to do. Doctor, I want you to go with Tuvok, monitor the process and check that everyone is fully restored to normal. Any doubts, stun them and secure them in quarters. I have no need to remind you that the Maquis are better armed, and we are still locked out of ship's main systems. Peterson, Neelix, Samuels, go with Tuvok and the Doctor to cover them. Shoot on stun where necessary! Stay in constant contact, stealth mode. I want careful recording of every secured area. I need to know exactly where we have control and where we haven't, and I want every crewmember accounted for." 

"Aye, Captain." 

Things happened very quickly after that. It didn't take long for the balance in numbers to be tipped in Starfleet's favour. Tuvok soon reported that engineering had been secured, and B'Elanna's welcome voice came over the channels to explain that she was doing her best to overcome the security lockouts. 

"It's good to hear your voice, B'Elanna," Janeway commented cheerfully. 

"It's good to be back, Captain." 

The few Maquis on the Bridge, Ayala included, now aware that their colleagues were in trouble on other parts of the ship from the detected weapons fire, vacated it to support them. There were essentially too few Maquis for them to do otherwise. However, in the corridors utter confusion ranged. The mutineers had no idea some of the Maquis had already been recovered, and, by the time they realised it, it was still impossible to know who was still on their side. Thus the remainder of the battle was relatively bloodless. The remaining mutineers were easily subdued with minimal phaser fire, and there were very few casualties. By the time Tom Paris and Harry Kim took a team onto the Bridge to secure it, it was empty. 

Reports of Starfleet success came in thick and fast, and soon all the people had been beamed back from the surface. At this moment Janeway decided to take herself back to the Bridge, and, as she stepped off the turbo-lift, she was greeted by the enthusiastic applause of about twenty officers. She beamed in delight, and thanked them all for a job well done. 

"Tom, how are we doing with helm control?" 

"Working on it, Captain." 

"Ops?" she said, looking at Harry. A number of reports were made, all confirming that access to ship's systems was still severely restricted. "Well," she said "we'll get there in the end. But it would be considerably quicker if we had Chakotay's access codes." She wondered if he was conscious yet, and hesitated for only a moment. 

She tapped her badge. "Janeway to Chakotay." There was no answer. "Janeway to Chakotay." 

The groan of a semi-conscious man came over the channel. His head twisted from side to side, still in something of a daze. "Chakotay here, Captain," came with a croak. 

"Mr. Chakotay, will you give me back my ship!" she boomed. 

Two decks down, he sat up in horror. Spirits, what had he done? Images started crowding his mind, and a dim awareness that some sort of struggle had just occurred. 

"Mr. Chakotay?" 

"Yes, Captain. At once. Computer, transfer command of the USS Voyager to Captain Kathryn Janeway. Authorisation ChakotayMaquisalphaoneseveneightdeltaninefour." 

_"Transfer complete. USS Voyager now under command of Captain Kathryn Janeway."_

Another cheer resounded round the Bridge. "Thank you," said Janeway, and she cut the link. She didn't want to get into any further discussion with him, particularly in public. 

Officers around the Bridge reported full access to all systems coming back on line. Janeway took the opportunity to replicate a replacement plaque with Starfleet insignia, and stuck it ceremonially back on the wall. She took a few more minutes to assess the reports coming in, grateful that there were only a few minor injuries. She gave orders to maintain position and make any necessary repairs to the ship. Then she retreated to her Ready Room. 

It was only as the doors closed behind her that the pain and the relief flooded her. She took a few unsteady steps into the room, then sank into a miserable ball on the steps between the levels. 


	3. Chapter 3

While Janeway wept on the steps of her Ready Room, the man two floors below was, if anything, in an even more agonised state. He quickly realised he was sealed in his room, and frankly he wasn't surprised. 

But as the things that had happened over the last few weeks began to align themselves in his memory, horrific images filled his mind. The full impact of what he personally had done to the woman he loved stabbed him like a poisoned sword. His breath came in ugly gulps. He had broken fingers in both fists, having pounding them into the bulkhead, and he was curled in a bloodied ball in the middle of his lounge floor. Around him was the detritus of their last meal together. In the bedroom the sheets on his bed were in stained disarray...all graphic reminders of what he had been doing only hours earlier. He wished he was dead. 

Tuvok and the Doctor were extremely busy for a couple of hours, assessing the rehabilitation of the Maquis and dealing with the injured, otherwise they would certainly have checked on Janeway sooner. The Doctor was well aware of the ordeal she had been through; Tuvok was becoming so, as he melded with the few Maquis who knew. But for the moment the security of the ship was their priority. 

Eventually, there came a point when they were free to go and check on her. They went to the Bridge, which was filled with frantically busy people working on restoring systems to normal, not one of whom had thought to check on their Captain. Tom Paris, the only one who might have given it consideration, was away in engineering reacquainting himself with his estranged and pregnant wife. 

Tuvok and the Doctor chimed on the Ready Room door, but there was no answer. Ignoring protocol, they entered anyway, and discovered their commanding officer right on the steps where she'd been for over two hours. 

"Captain?" asked Tuvok. She lifted her head just slightly. "You'll no doubt be pleased to hear your ship is secured." 

Janeway just nodded numbly, but the Doctor ran forward and started to lift her up. "Let's get you over to the couch so I can examine you." 

"I'm alright," she protested. 

"You're far from alright! Now, let me look at you. Tuvok, fetch her something to drink…some soothing tea." 

Tuvok raised an eyebrow and went over to the replicator. The Doctor made Janeway lie on the couch while he scanned her. "Still a little undernourished, but other than that you're fine." Janeway sat up again, and deposited her head in her hands with a sigh. "The pregnancy is still stable." He watched her closely to see how she viewed this news, but she gave nothing away. 

Tuvok came up and handed her a mug of steaming liquid. She raised her eyes to him. "Thank-you!" she said and took a grateful sip. "I suppose you are aware that I am pregnant?" 

"Yes, Captain. I am also aware of the circumstances by which you became pregnant. I will always regret that I was unable to act sooner and prevent this from happening." 

"You timed it perfectly, Tuvok. Any sooner, and our crew might not all be alive now and back in control of the ship." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Thank-you for what you did today." 

"Captain, you don't have to proceed with this pregnancy," the Doctor cut in. "If you wish to terminate, it can be done quickly, but I do advise you to take some time to think about it." She nodded, and took another sip of her drink. "There is bound to be some psychological fallout from all this, so if you need someone to talk to, I'm your man." 

She nodded again. "I think what I need right now is some sleep. Can you give me something to help me sleep?" 

"Of course, Captain." 

"And can you send someone to check my quarters are ready for me?" 

"Yes, Captain," answered Tuvok, immediately hitting his comm badge and issuing the order to crewmen far below. 

"Where is he?" She couldn't bring herself to say his name, but they both knew whom she meant. 

"Still sealed in his room." 

"Someone should go check on him." 

"We'll do it as soon as we've seen to you." 

"His door should be unsealed. He is not under arrest. But could you ask him to confine himself to his quarters until I send for him?" 

"Yes, Captain," agreed Tuvok. 

"Can we persuade you to eat something?" asked the Doctor. 

"I'm not hungry." 

"Your blood sugar levels are very low. I urge you to try." After gentle persuasion, she agreed to eat a little chicken broth. The Doctor then took her back down to her quarters and settled her to sleep. 

He then joined Tuvok to go next door to see to Chakotay. They set about doing what they could to see to his immediate needs, dealing with his injured hands and his emotional distress. There was little they could say to alleviate the vitriolic self-recrimination he was meting upon himself. When they left, they were extremely concerned for the well-being of both their commanding officers. 

B'Elanna came later to see him, very concerned for her dear friend. His very evident distress soon led to the disclosure of the whole sordid tale. She was shocked at first, but she understood the power of the compulsion he was under. After all she'd shot Tom with her phaser. Tom, however, had accepted it all in his stride, like a war-wound soon healed and forgotten. He was used to B'Elanna's fiery temperament. 

"It's not your fault, Chakotay. Teero did this!" 

"I should have been able to stop myself. I raped the woman I love! There is no way back, B'Elanna." 

"She will see. When she calms down, when she thinks about this rationally, she'll know it wasn't you who did this….that you were powerless to resist. Chakotay, she won't blame you!" 

"It doesn't matter. However much she manages to rationalise this, it will be my body that did this to her. She will never be able to look at me again and not think of what I did to her. Nor will I. My life is over, B'Elanna. There is nothing left to live for." 

B'Elanna tried over and over to persuade him that this wasn't his fault, that it was Teero who had done this. His power had been irresistible. Chakotay wasn't buying it. He should have been able to stop himself. He was never going to be able to live with himself after this, and the damage he had done to Kathryn was irreparable. He never mentioned the pregnancy, however, being rather of the mind that she would terminate, and he did not want to add to her burden by making it common knowledge. 

B'Elanna told him that she didn't believe that he should be held accountable for this. Teero had used his body to perpetrate evil. It hadn't been Chakotay himself, and she was rather angry that he had been confined to quarters. 

Chakotay didn't care. He thought he should have been placed in the Brig for the rest of the journey. Or better yet, thrown out of the nearest airlock. It was a minor hardship to be confined to quarters. He didn't think he could face anybody yet, let alone Kathryn. He told her he would be sent for when the Captain was ready for him, and since he had been informed that she was asleep, that wasn't likely to happen till the morning. 

B'Elanna spent a long time trying to console him, tidied the room and changed his bed, averting her eyes from the horror of the stains on the sheets. She refused to leave him until the Doctor had given him something to send him to sleep. She left very much more distressed than she had arrived, incredibly anxious for his state of mind. 

* * *

  


The following day, Kathryn Janeway rose and was immediately all business. She went up to the Bridge and checked on ship's status. Then she gave orders to break orbit and resume course. Instead of calling the usual senior staff briefing…she didn't want to draw attention to Chakotay's absence…she took a tour of the ship with Tuvok. She wanted to make her presence visible to the crew. She talked to a lot of crewmembers from both sides, and it was obvious that there were a lot of tensions between the two factions. She made a mental note to instruct Tom and Neelix to organise some entertainment and morale-boosting activities. The entire crew desperately needed a lift, some time to heal and re-integrate. She hoped it could be done. She and Chakotay were somehow going to have to present a united front, set an example to the rest of the crew. She didn't know if she had the strength. 

She spent thirty minutes alone with the Doctor, discussing her health…and Chakotay's…and then returned to the Ready Room, daunted by the task ahead. Tuvok spent a long time with her, assuring her of his support in whatever decisions she made. 

Just before lunch there was a ring on her chime, and Mike Ayala entered. She was a little surprised to see him and he shuffled in awkwardly. 

"Captain, could I have a word?" 

"Yes, lieutenant. What can I do for you?" she replied, fighting to keep the tension from her voice. 

"I wanted to say," he said looking at his shoes, "how very sorry I am for what happened, and how very ashamed I am for my part in it." 

Kathryn swallowed. Forgiveness is so hard when the wounds are so raw. "Thank you, Mike," she said as evenly as she could muster. "I understand you had no control over what you did. You couldn't help yourself." 

"If there is anything I can do to make up for what I did…" 

"Just do a good job for me. Do it to the best of your ability. That's all I ask." 

"I will, ma'am." 

"And I'd appreciate it if a certain incident wasn't blurted around the ship." 

He looked up in alarm. "I'm so sorry. I walked in on you and saw you…saw…." 

"Naked? You can say it." 

"Yes, ma'am. You can count on my discretion." 

"Not many officers ever get to see their captains in that condition," she said, trying desperately to make light of it. 

"No, ma'am. I want to say something, if you don't mind." 

She studied him for a minute, unsure whether to continue this conversation. "Please do." 

"I just hope you don't go about feeling any shame about it. I'd hate that you'd be ashamed or embarrassed in any way. Or awkward with me." Kathryn nodded, somewhat relieved at his efforts to smooth the waters. "I just wanted you to know. You are beautiful. Very beautiful." 

Kathryn looked at him curiously. For a moment, it almost seemed as if he was making a pass at her. But then she realised that he meant it just as he said it. As a simple and sincere compliment to her. An attempt to make her feel good about herself again. 

She blushed furiously. "Thank you, I think." 

"I meant it," he said sincerely. "Stunningly beautiful. But I will never mention this again." 

"Good. Then it never happened, lieutenant. Is that all?" 

"Ma'am, go easy on Chakotay. He is in a terrible state." Ayala's heart sank as he watched the light die in her eyes at the mention of his First Officer's name. He swallowed his sadness. "I'm not sure he'll get through this." 

She sent for Harry Kim as well, the one other member of the Starfleet crew to have possibly come close to knowing what had happened to her, and very likely traumatised by the event. She spent some time talking him through what happened and reassuring herself that the young man was recovering. He was equally concerned about her well being, and tried to enquire as to what had happened to her during the days during which she was kept in seclusion. 

Janeway refused to answer, and told him she expected him to do his level best not to fuel any rumours that might start flying around the ship. She did not wish to find that the crew were speculating over Harry's limited observations. 

Harry Kim thought glumly that it was a little late for that, but didn't say so. The Fleet crew had had several weeks with nothing better to do than to speculate over what was going on in the rest of the ship, and as he had been the only crewmember to get out of the Cargo Bay during that time, his observations had already been picked over in finest detail. 

* * *

  


After lunch, she decided she could put it off no longer. She had to face her demons, so she sent for him. Chakotay, who had been confined to his quarters for nearly twenty-four hours, had begun to think, even hope she never would. And frankly, he wouldn't have blamed her. 

He walked into her Ready Room in a state of trepidation, not really realising that she was in just as much turmoil. She stood erect, drawing entirely on her professional training, and forced herself to look him in the eye. It was he who felt the need to look away. 

"Kathryn?" 

"Captain, if you don't mind, Commander." 

He nodded. This was no surprise. 

There were a few moments of silence before she spoke again. " _Pagh'tem'fa b'tanay!_ " she canted. 

His head shot up. "Pardon?" Why did she say that? Realisation dawned. "Captain, it is still me. He is gone. He is not in control anymore." 

"Sorry. I had to be sure." 

"I understand. Captain." He looked at her remorsefully. Now was the time to begin to apologise. He swallowed. "I am so sorry for what I did to you. I know it is unforgivable. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. But if I could do anything to undo what has happened, I would. If I could find the words to make it up to you, I would. If.." 

"There is nothing you can do, no words you can say that will undo this. So, don't waste your breath!" 

"I know," he said, bitterly. 

"You have hurt me deeply. The scars will never heal." 

"I will bear them too. You have no idea how terrible I feel about this." 

"Oh, I think I have." For a moment their pained eyes met. 

"Do you intend to press charges?" 

"No. Rationally, I know you had no control over this. Emotionally, I don't know if I will ever be able to disassociate you from it." 

He nodded. He understood what she was trying to say. "Then I request that you leave me on the next M-class planet we pass. I think it is the only viable option. My presence on this ship is only going to cause you further pain." 

She looked at him sternly. "Oh no! You don't get off that easily! It would suit you to take some punishment for this, wouldn't it? And maybe not have to look at the evidence of your perfidy every day?" 

"Yes," he admitted with shame. "And I wouldn't blame you, if you wanted to put me in the Brig for the rest of the journey." 

"I don't have that luxury. I need you to be my First Officer. I have greater need now than I ever did." 

"Still? After all this?" he gasped. He never would have expected this. 

"Yes. We have two crews to put back together. The fractures run deep. Deeper than they did at the start of this journey. There will be a considerable backlash from the last few weeks, and our first task is to repair the damage. That will be your primary concern as First Officer. I'm expecting your performance to be exceptional. You must do everything you can to facilitate this. It won't be easy." 

"Yes, Captain." 

"And I will need you to take over the running of the ship completely in a few months when I will be incapacitated…" 

For a moment he was stunned. "Wait…you're proceeding with the pregnancy?" he asked incredulously. 

"Yes. I never would consider doing anything else. It is not within my nature to destroy any life, no matter how I might feel about the shameful way they were conceived. They are entirely innocent. I cannot take my anger out on them." 

He looked at her, hardly daring to believe. "Thank-you, Captain. You've no idea how much this means to me…" he blustered, as the burden lifted considerably from his soul. 

"I am placing considerable trust in you here." 

"Yes, Captain. It won't be misplaced." 

"I need a First Officer and the children will need a father." 

He looked at her in disbelief, eyes brimming with tears. Slowly, the delight began to show on his face. He had never expected her to be so gracious. 

"Oh, Kathryn! Thank-you." 

"Don't get so excited, Commander. This will be a long and painful road." 

"This is so much more than I expected! I didn't dare hope. I thought you wouldn't want me as your First Officer anymore. I thought you would terminate the pregnancy. I thought I had lost your friendship…" 

Janeway turned and looked at him with steely cold eyes. "Oh make no mistake, Commander. You have lost my friendship. Anything other than our professional relationship is over. I am going to have considerable difficulty just being in the same room as you, but we will have to put on some sort of front for the crew. We can never be friends again." 

* * *

  


Long slow painful weeks followed. Janeway made the effort to pretend that all was well with the command relationship. She and Chakotay still toured the ship together for inspections. She still asked his opinion in staff briefings, but their eyes rarely met. She stopped asking him into the Ready Room for more private discussion of ship's business, and requested that he allocate them both to different shifts. There were no more cosy dinners or idle friendly chatter. In short, she did her best to avoid his company. Chakotay could only watch helplessly, as the woman he loved went about life mechanically. The light had gone from her eyes to be replaced by the darkness of utter desolation. She never smiled. She was a shadow of her former self. And it was all his fault. 

He responded the only way he could, by throwing himself into his work. He worked all the hours he could, barely allowing himself any time to rest, stopping only when he was about to drop. Off duty hours were filled with remorse and horrific flash-backs anyway, nights were often filled with nightmares...on both sides of the bulkhead...so he naturally sought to minimise them. As a result, his own strain and exhaustion was evident to those close to him, and B'Elanna even tackled Janeway on the subject of his workload. It resulted in Janeway offering something vaguely resembling an olive branch, but it didn't stop Chakotay, and he berated B'Elanna for interfering. 

Life held no joy for Chakotay. He drove himself to exhaustion…he felt that was his own fitting punishment…and sometimes wished he'd been killed when the Fleeters had retaken the ship. 

Rumours flew in abundance that there was a breach in their relationship, and the fires were truly lit when the pregnancy became public knowledge. It soon became obvious that it dated from the mutiny. A few people speculated that Janeway had whored herself for her own benefit to curry favour with the mutineers or keep herself out of confinement in the Cargo Bay. Some thought that they had been in a relationship even before the mutiny. But many were near to guessing the truth. Only a few people actually knew the truth, and at Janeway's request they were silent. 

The only time he saw a brief glimpse of the woman she used to be was on Quarra. She was so relaxed and happy with her memories wiped, that he was very tempted to leave her in that state of blissful ignorance. But Quarra was no place to raise a family, and he couldn't begin to imagine Jaffen's reaction when finding out about the pregnancy. After consulting with the Doctor, he made the decision to bring her back for the good of the babies, and Janeway did have the grace to tell him he had made the right choice. 

There was only one moment of joy for Chakotay, and it was fleeting. The Doctor called him down to Sickbay one morning, and showed him a scan he had done only an hour earlier. He saw the images of his two children, their tiny hearts beating, their little limbs waving. A lump came to his throat. Despite everything, despite the vileness of their conception, they were beautiful. 

When he felt like making the effort, he spent his time in the company of B'Elanna or Ayala. Both were trying hard to help him come to terms with what had happened, but it was a hopeless task. Seven surprisingly started making overtures of something more than friendship towards him, and desperate for acceptance, he began to respond. But she just as suddenly withdrew her interest. He figured the Doctor had warned her off. 

And then the Admiral came back. 


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn walked the corridors side by side with her older self. This felt bizarre in itself, but inwardly she was seething at the older woman's deception. She had known the true nature of the transwarp hub, and she had kept it to herself. 

"I want to know why you didn't tell me about this." 

"Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be. I figured you might try to do something stupid," countered the Admiral. 

"We have the opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives!" 

"I didn't spend the last ten years looking for a way to get this crew home earlier so you could throw it all away on a good will mission. Seven years ago, you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead you destroyed it." 

"I did what I knew was right." 

"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again…" 

"You got Voyager home, which means I will too…If it takes a few more years…" 

"You will lose twenty-two more members of your crew." The younger woman gasped. The price was high, and yet shouldn't she have expected this? "And four children." 

"Children?" The horror was beginning to sink in now. 

"Yes. Three years from now. Your own son and daughter, little Miral Paris and Naomi's future little brother. You will stop by a planet to collect absolutely essential supplies…there was no other for hundreds of light years…and pick up a virulent disease. There will be no symptoms for days, but one by one the crew will get sick. The Doctor will work desperately but find no cure. The strong will fight it off, but the young and the weak will lose their battle to live. You and Chakotay will end up broken people. Chakotay will volunteer for any and every suicide mission he can. Eventually he will succeed. Only weeks from home, he will be critically injured on an away mission. He will make it back to Voyager to die in your arms. And when you hold his cold lifeless body, you will suddenly realise that despite everything you still love him." 

"No!" 

"Yes! You think you are hurting now? Believe me, it's nothing compared with what is ahead. Do this, Kathryn. It's time to take your family home. Time to put them first!" 

"But we can't leave this monstrosity here, when we have the chance to destroy it! They have access to the Alpha Quadrant and who knows how many lives are at risk because of it. There has to be a way…to have our cake and eat it." 

"There might be a way. I considered it once, but it seemed too risky…." 

* * *

  


The Admiral waited in her shuttle, making her last preparations to leave on her own personal suicide mission. If she stopped and thought about it, she was more than willing to make this sacrifice for the lives of those she loved, to give them a future. She had lived with the pain long enough. 

The Captain came into to wish her goodbye, armed with a hypospray. "It's about time. I'm not getting any younger, you know." 

"Are you sure you want me to do this?" 

"No. But Voyager isn't big enough for both of us." 

"May I ask you something?" 

"By all means." 

"Why did you come back now? Why didn't you come back six, seven months ago...and stop this…this dreadful thing from happening." 

The older woman looked at her solemnly. She hadn't needed to spell it out to her. She knew she meant the mutiny and all that ensued. 

"Let me tell you something, my dear. Those two babies you are carrying are going to be the light of your life. Once you have them, you will never wish them away. You will love them whole-heartedly, and they will gradually bring the healing you so desperately crave. You will love them for themselves. The way they were conceived will no longer matter. You will instead see them as a gift...a remnant of the man you loved, and believe is lost. I know. I was their mother too. And I lived through everything you've lived through. There is no way I would have come back to prevent them from ever existing. What mother could ever do that? No, I came back to ensure their survival. You will understand….someday real soon." She reached out and put her hand gently on Kathryn's swollen belly, and smiled. "That's why I have to do this. That's why you have to let me go!" 

Kathryn smiled sadly. "I think I do." She closed her hand over the Admiral's. "I guess I ought to thank you…" 

"Take some advice from a woman who's had to learn to live with so many tragedies…so many regrets. Don't let what happened between you and Chakotay ruin the rest of your life. He's a decent, honourable man, Kathryn. The best First Officer you could ever have asked for. He is still the same man who was your rock and best friend for six years. Don't shut him out. He didn't do this to you. Teero did. Chakotay was no more in control of what happened than you were." 

"Don't you think I know that?" said Kathryn tearfully. 

"Yes, but you have to start believing it." The Admiral squeezed her hand, and Kathryn smiled meekly. She didn't know if she could do it. "I think you'd better give me that before I die of old age…" 

Kathryn's smile broadened, and she injected the hypospray into the Admiral's neck. 

"Good luck, Admiral…" 

"You too, Captain. I'm glad I got to know you again. Now take care of those two beautiful babies for me…" 

"I will," she promised. 


	5. Chapter 5

The senior staff lined up on the podium in a blaze of light to face the cameras. The journalists were firing questions at them from all directions. Only hours after their return to earth, they were not particularly enjoying the experience, Janeway and Chakotay least of all. They would rather have been assimilated than put through this. 

They were made to describe the journey and many notable encounters. The Borg were of particular interest, and a bewildered Seven was cross-examined enthusiastically. 

Janeway spent a long time praising her crew, and paying tribute to the lost. She was asked how she felt to be home. 

"Naturally, I am delighted for the crew and for myself. We are all thrilled to be reunited with our families and loved ones." 

"Have you spoken to your mother?" 

"Yes, I have," she smiled. 

"And what was her reaction?" 

"She asked me what had kept me so long!" There was some laughter at this. "She is naturally a very happy woman. She did not think we would make it home in her lifetime." 

"And how does she feel about being made a grandmother?" asked one reporter. It was hardly likely to escape comment…Janeway was very obviously over six months pregnant. 

"She is delighted, of course." 

"Captain Janeway, is it true you are expecting twins?" asked another. 

"Yes, it is." 

"When are they due?" 

"In about thirteen weeks." 

"Can you comment on the father?" 

Janeway hesitated for only a moment. "Yes. The father is Commander Chakotay, my former First Officer. We had a very brief affair, which is now over." This caused a stir amongst the crowd of onlookers. 

"Isn't that rather irregular? Aren't there regulations regarding onboard relationships? I imagine Starfleet are going to have something to say about that!" 

Chakotay stepped forward at this. He really couldn't bear it if Janeway was going to get vilified for this. "Captain, if I may…." 

Janeway half-turned, holding up her hand to silence him and throwing him a forbidding glare. "Chakotay, please don't. Let me handle this." She turned back to the journalist. "Starfleet may say what they please. We were living in very unusual circumstances out there." 

"Are you expecting a reprimand over this?" 

"That is between Starfleet and myself. I am really not prepared to discuss this any further. Now, if you don't mind, we are all anxious to see our loved ones. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your questions." 

She turned and led the party from the stage, curtailing the news conference which had been scheduled to last another ten minutes. Naturally enough, her senior staff followed her in a show of support. 

Chakotay ran past several members of staff to catch her up. He stopped her with a touch on her arm. "Kathryn…I can't let you do this. I can't let you take the blame…." 

"Chakotay, we have to, don't you see? If anyone asks, Starfleet included, we had an affair. It only lasted three weeks. Okay?" 

"They'll haul you over the warp core…" 

"Then so be it. It's what we have to do." 

"I can't let you. This isn't fair. Let me tell the truth…" 

"You want our children to grow up under the stigma of what really happened? You want them to live with the whole universe knowing the truth about their conception? You want them to know what their father did to their mother? Believe me, it is better this way." 

Chakotay let his hand fall. He was despondent, but he saw her point. "You shouldn't take the flak for this." 

"No, I shouldn't. But I must." 

So they told Starfleet they'd had an affair. Much of the crew were by now of the opinion that this wasn't quite the truth, but they supported their commanding officers' stance on this. Chakotay tried to insist that the affair was mostly of his instigation, but they stripped Janeway of her rank anyway. She promptly resigned. 

Chakotay found it hard to accept Janeway's decision. Starfleet had been her life. Her career was over because of something he had done, and by her refusal to spell it out to the review board. If it had just been him she had been protecting, he might have taken action to restore her good name, but he understood her desire to protect the babies from this as well. 

He also resigned from Starfleet. His heart wasn't in it any more. He didn't want to be part of an organisation which could treat one of its heroines so shamefully. However, he knew he had to find work quickly, if only to support his new family. Kathryn was likely to find things difficult without her salary, and no immediate prospect of employment. 

She went home to stay with her mother and enjoy the healing balm of being back in the heart of her loving family. Weeks went by without him seeing her, but he occasionally sent messages to ask if she needed anything. Fortunately, he did find a lecturing job with a reasonable salary and inexpensive lodgings. 

Then one day, Kathryn's mother contacted him to say Kathryn was in labour. He rushed to the hospital, regretfully a public utility, as she no longer had access to Starfleet medical facilities. As if to add to his guilt, she had a long and difficult confinement and was very ill afterwards. But his babies entered the world safely, the second by foetal transport. He was allowed to see them within twenty minutes of their arrival. 

He sat outside in the corridor with his son in his arms, weeping openly. Gretchen came out quietly and sat beside him. 

He sobbed. "He's beautiful." 

"Yes, he is." 

He looked at the older woman through veiled eyes. "Did she t..tell you? How they came to be?" 

It was a long time before Gretchen answered. She had to swallow the lump in her throat first. "Yes, she did." 

"Mrs. Janeway, I would give anything to make things different. To change how this happened." 

"I know. And deep down so does she, Chakotay. She wouldn't allow you anywhere near them, if she truly blamed you for all this." 

"That doesn't make it any easier to live with." 

"No. It's not going to be easy. But they're here now. And they are a blessing. Despite everything, she wouldn't wish them away. She's going to need your help, you know. I think she accepts that now." 

"I'll do everything in my power to make things easier for her, and I swear I'll be a good father to them." 

"I thought you'd say that." 

A nurse came out of the delivery room carrying a tiny bundle. "Mr. Chakotay? Would you like to meet your daughter?" 

Chakotay smiled and handed his son to Gretchen, then took the second baby from the nurse. He gazed down into the perfect sleepy face. "Beautiful. Just like her mother." He glanced up at Gretchen. "And her grandmother." 

"She said you were a charmer, Chakotay. I see she was right." 

Chakotay glanced at Gretchen curiously. That Kathryn could say anything remotely complimentary to her mother about him was a surprise, but he saw from Gretchen's eyes that she meant what she had said. He shifted his gaze to the nurse. "Can I see Kathryn now?" 

"I'm sorry. I think she's asleep. She's very exhausted and has lost a lot of blood. We're going to have to monitor her very carefully for the next twenty-four hours or so." 

* * *

  


Five days later, Chakotay accompanied the Janeway family back to their home in Indiana. He hadn't meant to impose, but it was soon obvious that he was needed. Kathryn was still very weak, Gretchen was not as young as she used to be, and the two healthy babies were very demanding. That first night, he slept on the sofa in the lounge when the babies allowed, and the following day he arranged leave of absence from work. 

On the second evening, following some gentle persuasion from her mother, Kathryn agreed that he could stay. Gretchen made him up a bed in the spare room. He set about proving himself the model houseguest and most caring of fathers. He cooked and cleaned and took more than his fair share of caring for the twins. In short, he threw himself into the work relentlessly, working himself to the bone. And he did it willingly, for the love of the children and for the love of a hurting woman. The babies were beautiful, and slowly and surely they alone began to give him purpose in life again. Their presence began to restore him. 

It was taking Kathryn longer…she was still physically weak and to some extent depressed...but the twins were having the same effect on her. Her relationship with Chakotay was still very tenuous. She avoided being alone with him for much of the time. Naturally, as the days turned into weeks, they began to talk. At first the conversations were stilted and confined to discussions of babycare. But as time ticked by and Kathryn herself began to find some renewed trust in the man who had been her rock for the first six years in the Delta Quadrant, she began to relax in his presence. She rarely felt that twinge of fear, however irrational, that he would visit upon her the same ordeal that he had put her through involuntarily. To his surprise, he found he had an ally in Gretchen, and that was a great asset to him. Both of the new parents were too exhausted to spend time questioning the wisdom of their living under the same roof. 

Occasionally, their hands would brush for some reason or other, and Kathryn would flinch. It cut Chakotay to the core every time it happened. 

"I'm not going to hurt you, Kathryn. Please believe me." 

She looked at him sadly, struggling to avoid tears. "I do, Chakotay. I'm sorry…but I just can't help myself." 

"Kathryn, I love being here with you and the babies, but I don't want to be a burden to you. I don't want my presence to make you continually miserable. Would you rather I moved out?" 

She thought about it for a long time. To tell the truth, she couldn't really understand what was going through her own mind, or why she was mad enough to let him stay, but she was becoming used to his stalwart presence around the house. He was essentially doing the same supportive role here and in the same efficient way as he had as First Officer on Voyager, and some part of her had learned to accept that. "No. Please stay. We need you. I need you. I don't think I can do this by myself." 

"I'll be here as long as you want me." 

She nodded her acceptance of this, and Chakotay sighed inwardly in relief. He had far more now than he'd ever dared hope. 

Chakotay went back to work, but came back each evening to do everything he could to help. To him it was a slowly becoming less a labour of guilt and more a labour of love. He was finding his joy in life again. The only times he felt his heart sink now were when he caught a sudden flash of sadness in Kathryn's eyes. 

He moved in on a semi-permanent basis and relinquished his lease on his lodgings. 

Weeks went by, and the twins and their mother grew in strength. And even if Kathryn herself would not have admitted it, something resembling friendship began to form between the two new parents. Watching Chakotay with the twins reminded her of the caring affectionate and honourable man she had once known him to be. 

And then one day it happened. They were out walking the beach with her mother's dog, each with a baby strapped to their chest, when Chakotay clambered over some fallen tree trunks. He held out his hand to help her over and she took it. And this time she didn't flinch. Chakotay, very sensitive to every small reaction in Kathryn, noticed this and a small smile hovered on his lips. And for the first time in ages she smiled back at him. 

They talked now. They really talked. Not just about the babies now, but about life in general, politics and diplomacy, history…literature…spirituality… In short, all the things they used to talk about when they had been friends. Except neither one of them ever mentioned the mutiny or the rape. That subject was taboo. 

And one day Chakotay told her, "Kathryn, I'm glad we found our friendship again." 

She looked at him steadily. For a few moments she contemplated denying it. They weren't friends, were they? After all that had happened, they never would be. Instead, they were in some bizarre pseudo-relationship. But as she thought it over, she had to admit something to herself. At some tiny moment over the last few weeks, it had tipped over into friendship again. In her heart, she no longer sought to avoid his presence, rather she got pleasure again from being in his company. He had a personality and an intellect that aligned perfectly with hers, and time spent engaging in conversation with him had reminded her of that irrefutable fact. For a long time, she had been fighting against it, she realised. She had wanted not to become friends again with him. Maybe she had been using it as some sort of punishment. But was there any point in fighting it any more? 

She smiled. "So am I," she said eventually. 


	6. Chapter 6

Months went by, and to the outside world they appeared to be the perfect family. They lived in the same house and were acting outwardly like any other new parents. Many of their former colleagues paid visits, and only those closest to them noticed the deeper current of sadness in them. Still fewer guessed the real reason for it. There was precious little time to meet new people and make new friends, and this concerned Chakotay somewhat. 

The twins, on reaching nine months, were getting easier to handle. They were sleeping better, but were getting much more active. They needed eagle-eyed parents. Chakotay saw their mother was getting stronger, and much more able to cope single-handedly and he began to worry again whether it was the right thing for him to stay. 

She was smiling a lot more, but he would still see flashes of pain cross her eyes occasionally. They were laughing at their son's futile yet persistent attempts to grab hold of an object just beyond his reach, when she turned and caught him watching her. A shadow chased the light from her face, as if she had suddenly thought of a reason not to be happy. 

The agony gripped his heart yet again. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Kathryn, I think maybe I should move out. I think my presence here is still causing you pain. The twins are growing, and you don't need my help so much of the time." 

"Are you kidding? I need it more now they're moving about so much!" 

"But you don't need me imposing on you any longer…" 

She was quiet for awhile before she answered. "It's not an imposition," she murmured under her breath. To tell the truth, she was terrified at the prospect of his moving out and leaving her to cope on her own. Panic that he might no longer be there for her began to seize her. 

"But it might get to be. To the outside world it looks like you and I are in a relationship. It's stopping you from meeting new people. Maybe finding a new romantic interest…" 

Her head shot up. "You think I want that? Chakotay, I have no interest in meeting anyone in that way." 

"No, but sometime you will. I hope that you will be able to meet someone special, and find love again." 

She huffed in disbelief. "Chakotay, I don't think I ever want a man to touch me in that way again!" she confessed in a shaky voice. 

His heart sank. This was just awful. He couldn't bear that she felt like this. "Oh, spirits, Kathryn, don't say that. I'd hate to think that what happened…what I did…has stolen your capacity to love…to be loved again." 

She looked at him tearfully. "You didn't do it. Teero did," she croaked. 

"Yes. Even so, it was my body. Every time you look at me, you remember. I see the pain in your eyes sometimes. I see it flash across your face. Just at the moment you forget yourself, you remember again. Do you know what that does to me, when I see it? It cuts me up, Kathryn, because I love you. I always did, and I always will. I can't bear to see you hurting." They regarded each other in silence for few minutes. He wondered whether he had the right to tell her how he felt still, and he almost expected an angry outburst. It didn't come. "I think it would be better for you…healthier for both of us…if I moved out." 

"Please don't!" she pleaded. "I need you around here. I've gotten used to having you here…I'd miss you. Unless…do you…want the chance to meet someone else?" she asked nervously. 

"Spirits no! I haven't the slightest interest in being with anyone else. There is only one woman I desire a relationship with." She looked at him in shock. He reached his hand forward, and dusted his thumb lovingly over the back of her hand. She withdrew it hastily, the panic showing in her eyes. "Oh no…I don't mean…I'll never hurt you, Kathryn.. you don't have to be afraid," he cried anxiously. 

It took her a long time to steady her breathing. "I know," she responded finally, her eyes downcast. 

"I'll never touch you like that again…unless you want me to." Her face registered renewed horror, and his heart contracted. He hated that she felt this way. "Never fear. I'll never hurt you again. You can trust me. I love you, Kathryn. All I want to do…my whole purpose in life…is to try and make things as easy as possible for you. To make your burdens lighter…" 

"You do!" she answered, in a choked voice. 

"But maybe I should be honest with you now, and tell you that deep down I'd like to show you how you should be loved. I know it's a lot to ask. I know I don't deserve the chance, but one day my hope is that you might let me really make love to you…gently, respectfully, reverently. Show you the way you deserve to be loved. I'd give anything to wipe away the terrible memories of what happened between us. Repaint our history with happier imagery." 

She looked at him with momentary interest, but it vanished. "You're asking the impossible, Chakotay." 

"I know," he answered sadly. 

* * *

  


He wasn't surprised. He wondered at himself for even raising the possibility. What had he been thinking? It could have set their fragile relationship back no end. But somewhere deep inside him, he hardly knew where it had sprung from…there was a kernel of hope for a future relationship. After all, the friendship she'd promised him had no hope of resurrection was budding afresh like spring blossom. And what she didn't say was telling too. She hadn't said she didn't care for him. She hadn't said she didn't love him. She had merely implied that the relationship he desired was an impossibility, and he thoroughly understood her standpoint. Essentially he had been in that very position throughout their first six years in the Delta Quadrant. 

So he stayed. She assured him that was what she wanted. It was what he wanted too. This weird half-life with the woman he loved and their family was better than no life with them at all. He was well aware that, if it hadn't been for the children, he would never have set eyes on Kathryn Janeway again. Maybe that would have been for the better. If the twins hadn't been born, she would never have had to lie to Starfleet. She would have been an Admiral by now, lauded wherever she went. He might have been in jail for what he'd done, although he thought he would have got off on the grounds of diminished responsibility. But despite everything, he would never have wished those two wonderful children away, and he was certain that Kathryn wouldn't either. 

B'Elanna and Tom proved themselves to be true friends, and visited regularly, offering what support they could. Not only were they well aware of the distressing history that coloured their relationship, their own daughter was only a few months older than the twins. 

B'Elanna was truly concerned for Chakotay's happiness, and she soon picked up on his growing sense of hope. 

They sat in the garden watching the children playing in the grass, Kathryn and Tom walking companionably in the distance. 

"I'm worried about you, Chakotay. I see you building your hopes up here, and fear you are setting yourself up for years of anguish and disappointment." 

"Maybe, but what would you have me do? This is my family. I can't abandon them." 

"No, but perhaps it's not healthy for you both to live under the same roof. It cannot help the healing process for either of you. It can only deepen the pain you both feel, and neither of you will meet anyone else like this. You act outwardly just like any married couple." 

"I often thought we acted outwardly just like any married couple on Voyager," he said wryly. He paused for a moment, before sighing. "I don't want to meet anyone else, I really don't, B'Elanna. I still love her and I always will. This existence…strange though you may think it is…is more than I could have hoped for only a few months ago. I'm grateful for every crumb she throws me. I know it's pathetic, but it's my choice." 

"And what about Kathryn? Is it what she wants?" 

"She says it is. I've several times talked to her about it. I thought maybe she would be better off building a relationship with someone new. I've even tried to encourage her to do so, but she tells me she's not interested. B'Elanna," he said in a croaked voice, "she tells me she never wants a man to touch her again…" 

"That's awful…" B'Elanna said, horrified. 

"I know…and it's my fault." 

"It's not, Chakotay. We've been through this. You can't keep on blaming yourself." Chakotay didn't respond to this. He was trying to pull himself together, after his confession. "She needs counselling. You both do." 

"Yes, she does. I've tried to persuade her, but she insists we can't afford it." 

B'Elanna sniffed. "Starfleet should be paying. She would have got it when we got home if she'd told the truth about what happened." She was silent for a while, chewing this over. "I wonder…if we could find someone who'd do it for free…or perhaps if the crew chipped in to pay for it…could you persuade her?" 

"I don't know. Maybe." 

"I've got an idea. Leave it with me." 

* * *

  


A faint mewling sound disturbed Chakotay’s sleep. He’d heard it before, many times through the bulkhead on Voyager. Not so much lately, since he’d been living here. Kathryn was having another nightmare, and it made his heart break. He knew what it felt like. He’d had a few himself. 

A few indistinct words punctured the air, and then: “Chakotay! Noooo! Please…no!” 

He sat up in alarm. Spirits, he’d do anything to relieve her of this. For a moment he was undecided. On Voyager, when this had happened, he'd usually got up and gone into his lounge to play some soothing music. He’d had access to her quarters restricted by then, and she would have been horrified at any attempted intrusion on his part. 

Here was another matter. There was no Doctor to call, nor Tuvok to offer his friendship and support. There were just two people...himself and Gretchen...and he hadn’t heard the older lady stir. 

Kathryn cried out again, and this time he didn’t hesitate. He took himself along the landing to her room and pushed open the door. Kathryn was writhing on the bed in obvious distress and in the grip of some terrible nightmare. 

He stepped up to the bed and rested one hand on each shoulder. 

“Sshh, Kathryn! You’re dreaming! It’s not r…” 

“Oh God! Chakotay? What? Please stop…” she cried, fighting him blindly. 

“It’s not real, Kathryn.” 

For a moment she stilled, staring at him with wild eyes through the darkness. Then, before he realised what was happening, he felt a sharp stab in the groin. He howled as Kathryn kneed him painfully, and he found himself thrown backwards toward the dresser. Kathryn had risen from the bed and was looming over him menacingly, table lamp in mid air. 

Just then the door creaked open, and a determined Gretchen appeared, standing in the dimly lit doorway, a phaser pointing straight at Chakotay. 

“Keep your hands off my daughter!” she threatened. 

Chakotay, hands clutching a very sore part of his anatomy, protested. “Gretchen, nothing happened, I swear! Kathryn was having a nightmare, that’s all. I heard her cry out and came to try and calm her.” Neither woman responded for a moment, and Chakotay glanced expectantly at Kathryn. “Isn’t that right?” 

“Kathryn?” inquired Gretchen. 

Finally Kathryn placed the table lamp back beside the bed. “Yes. It’s true," she answered softly. "I was having a nightmare…” She increased the illumination and bent down over Chakotay. “Are you alright?” 

“Not exactly,” he croaked. “I’ll be fine in a moment.” The woman in the doorway lowered her phaser, satisfied that this version of events was genuine. 

“Did you bash your head?” Kathryn said, reaching forward and gently brushing his hair away from the place which had made contact with the dresser, and deciding that there was a definite bump beginning to form. 

“I think it’s okay.” 

“No dizziness…concussion?” 

”No…it hurts more down there. You pack a mean punch, Ms. Janeway.” 

Just then, one of the twins started to cry, and Kathryn glanced at her mother hopefully. 

“I’ll go…see what I can do,” Gretchen said helpfully. 

“Thanks.” The older woman’s footsteps could be heard tapping their way to the nursery, and then her soothing voice crooned to the wakeful child. The fretting soon stopped. 

Kathryn helped Chakotay to his feet, and fetched a tissue regenerator to soothe the bump on his head. 

“So…you finally got to do something you must have been dying to do for months…knee me in the groin?” he said in a lighter tone. “Tell me, did it make you feel good?” 

She smiled. “Maybe. Just a bit,” she admitted. "Now keep still!" She ran the regenerator over his head. She wasn’t venturing near his other injury. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you sure you’re okay? Should we take you to the hospital?” 

”No, I told you I’m fine. I don’t want a fuss! And I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have come in here…It’s your space, and I should have respected that.” He looked up at her, and noted the sympathy in her eyes. The anger was gone, and there was certainly no condemnation to be read there now. “I think I’d better get out of your way. May I borrow that?” he asked, nodding at the regenerator. 

“Of course.” He took the instrument from her hand and hobbled to the door. “Good night, Chakotay!” she called after him. 

He half-turned. “Sweet dreams, Kathryn!” 

* * *

  


Of course, neither of them had a good night or sweet dreams after that. Chakotay sat on his bed for ages churning over this incident in his mind. What was he thinking by staying here? This only served to underline the madness of the two of them living in such close proximity. His presence was only hurting her more. 

This was like walking on broken glass in bare feet. Day after day. Night after night. By the time the light was filtering through the windows, he had decided to go. 

He pulled out his large portmanteau and started throwing his belongings into it. He could be gone before the others were up, and it would save any embarrassing and protracted goodbyes. But he hadn’t reckoned on Kathryn’s careful study of him. She had lain awake for the rest of the night, listening intently to every slight sound from his room, worried that he might try something like this. 

So the bag was barely a third full, when she appeared at the door in her nightgown. Chakotay glanced up. Spirits, it was a frumpy nightgown! He hadn’t noticed in the darkness last night. When had she given up wearing those rather alluring numbers he’d occasionally caught a glimpse of on Voyager? 

“Chakotay, what are you doing?” 

“I’m leaving.” 

”No! Please don’t!” 

“I think it’s for the best. I’m only hurting you more by staying!” 

“No! Please…I can’t do this without you!” 

“That’s targsh.t, Kathryn, and you know it! You’re coping very well now! You’re doing a fine job of looking after the children and you don’t need me any more. And you might even sleep better without me in the house!” 

“I couldn’t help last night...you know I couldn’t. I’m so sorry if I hurt you! But I want you to stay.” 

“What good reason could there possibly be for me to stay?” 

Kathryn looked at him with pleading eyes. “We’re a family?” she ventured. 

He took one look at her desperate face and melted. He held out his arms, and she only hesitated momentarily before diving into them, burying her tearful face in his shoulder. He wrapped her close, planting a tender kiss on the top of her head. 

“We’re a family, eh?” 

“Yes.” 

Almost, he added to himself mentally. Almost. But he didn’t speak the word out loud. 

* * *

  


As time marched on, Chakotay noticed a subtle difference in Kathryn. At first, he wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but after a while, he grew more certain. The looks of pain that sometimes darkened her eyes had changed. She often looked lost in thought, distant somehow, and there were sometimes looks of longing, maybe even of regret. As if she was remembering the dream now. The dream that once…it seemed like an eternity ago now…had sustained them both through the hard years in the Delta Quadrant. The dream that had them both placed intimately together when they reached home. She was remembering it now, and feeling the indescribable agony of what was lost, seemingly forever. B'Elanna's gentle probing of the damaged woman confirmed it to him. He thanked the spirits for B'Elanna. She was proving herself the truest of friends to both of them now. 

As for B'Elanna, this knowledge made her all the more determined to get help for her two friends. She had several conversations with Reg Barclay, who put her in contact with Deanna Troi. When B'Elanna explained confidentially the dreadful circumstances in which Kathryn and Chakotay found themselves, Deanna was very angry that Starfleet had left two of its heroes in such a mess. Deanna was uniquely placed to help them. She herself had suffered violation by a person she loved, and whom she had eventually married...Kathryn's Janeway's one time acquaintance Will Riker. It had turned out to be an alien-induced hallucination, but the memories and emotions that the deception had invoked were very real to Deanna. She agreed without hesitation to come as soon as possible. 


	7. Chapter 7

At around the twins' first birthday, and after a little persuasion, Deanna began counselling the two damaged souls, sometimes in person, sometimes via secured comm link. She almost always dealt with each of them separately. 

Deanna spent some time taking both through their histories and in particular the ordeal that they had endured. She also shared some of her own history with them. With her incredible patience and skill, she got them to talk about what had happened, and indeed what had not, which was sometimes of huge significance. What they had felt at the time, what they felt now, how it was affecting their mood, their relationships, their responses, how they were still letting it control their lives now. They had to break the vice-like grip this had on them. 

* * *

  


"Kathryn, do you mind me asking, why do you let him stay?" Deanna enquired. 

"We need him!" 

"You or the children?" 

"All of us?" 

"But do you need him all of the time? Wouldn't it be better for you all, if he lived elsewhere now, and restricted his visits.." 

"I don't think I'd cope. I panic when he suggests it…" 

"Why do you panic? Have you given it any thought? You're a resourceful lady! I think you'd cope quite well!" 

"I don't know." 

"I think you're not being honest with yourself. I think you want him there. I think you like having him around most of the time. Am I right?" 

"Maybe." 

"Tell me how do you feel when he arrives home from work?" 

"Relief." 

"Pleasure? Are you pleased to see him?" 

Kathryn hesitated, as she searched for the truth. "Yes." 

"Do you miss him while he's out of the house?" 

Kathryn took a deep breath. "Yes, I suppose I do." 

* * *

"Tell me, Kathryn, do you still blame Chakotay for what happened?" 

"No, I don't think so. I hope not. I know rationally he couldn't resist the power that took hold of him." 

"But, if you search deeper, is there not some part of you that can't accept that?" 

Kathryn looked at Deanna thoughtfully. "Maybe. I don't know. Sometimes, I think 'he loved me'! How could he have let it happen?" 

"So there is some part of you that still blames him! It might only be small, but it's still there, and it rears its ugly head every now and again. Kathryn, can I put a slightly different scenario to you? Can you imagine a man, someone just like Chakotay, a gentle man, who for years and years has behaved like any normal decent human being, caring for those around him? Imagine him taking the woman he loves out somewhere, maybe a bar or a club, and a complete stranger slips a drug into his drink. Maybe it's someone bent on destroying lives, who for some reason hates all women or hates the organization she represents. He has no compassion for the man either. Maybe he cannot bear to see two people happy in a relationship. Maybe he thinks it's wrong for those particular two people to be together at all. Maybe he gets some sort of sordid high from observing the results. He gives the man a very powerful drug that makes him lose his mind. So much so that he assaults the woman viciously…abuses her…rapes her…injures her. Can you imagine how he feels when he wakes from his stupor the next morning? How would he feel when he sees the injuries and the emotional scars that he has inflicted on the woman he loves?" 

"He'd be devastated. He'd hate himself." 

"Would he blame himself?" 

"Yes, probably!" 

"Would she blame him?" 

"Almost certainly." 

"Yet was it his fault?" 

"No!" 

"And yet two lives have been devastated by a complete stranger! Kathryn, I want you to see that the man's body has been just as much violated as the woman's here. It had been used against his will to commit a sexual act. It had been used against his will to assault someone very precious to him. He may have been less conscious of it at the time of the assault, but he will certainly see it this way afterwards." 

"I know. I know Chakotay had a lot of anguish about it afterwards…He seems to have dealt with it." 

"On the surface, yes. Kathryn, there is something you must realise. You have both been victims here. Chakotay's body was just as much violated as yours. His body had been forced to commit indecent acts which he had not in any rational way consented to. He had no control over what was happening to him. Moreover, his mind had been hideously violated too. One could argue that Chakotay has had a bigger hill to climb toward recovery, not to mention the appalling amount of guilt he's had to carry. No, you both suffered together...as victims of the same crime...perpetrated by a third person with no shred of compassion nor morality. You both bear the wounds from the same assault." 

Kathryn went out from that interview very thoughtful. She had never really looked at it that way before. She had never viewed Chakotay as a victim too. Teero's strike had sliced through both of them at once. The scars in her heart had, until now, never allowed her to consider this, even though intellectually she had always understood that Chakotay had not been responsible for what happened. It realigned her thinking somewhat. It swung the problem around on its axis. Instead of feeling herself opposed to Chakotay in this strange battle of sanity, it put him firmly back at her side. Together, side by side, they were fighting a common demon, a rather familiar, albeit long-forgotten, position for them both. For the first time, she felt some connection with the Chakotay she had loved before the Teero incident. 

She went home and watched him silently playing with the children. He was a good father, and she had no problem in admitting it. A mixture of emotions swirled around her. She felt for the first time some real sympathy for his plight. She had not been able to feel that before...because some part of her had felt that he _deserved_ to be unhappy because of what he had done. In recognising this as the truth, a shard that had been firmly lodged in her heart was loosened.

* * *

"Tell me, Chakotay, where would you like to see yourself in a few months' time? If you could choose the happiest outcome for yourself, what would it be?" Deanna asked. 

"Honestly?" 

"Honestly." 

"It won't happen." 

"I didn't ask what you thought would happen. I asked you what would make you happiest." 

He was silent for a long time. It was difficult to vocalise a longing that he felt he didn't deserve, something too absurd to even hope for. "We'd be married," he managed softly. 

"You and Kathryn?" 

"Yes." 

"In love with each other?" 

"Yes." 

"And having intimate relations?" 

"Well…yes." 

"Tell me how do you imagine those intimate relations? How do you see them as different from those you experienced with her before?" 

"Well…I'd be gentle…respectful. Show her how I loved her…" 

"Do you see yourself as capable of doing that?" 

"Why, yes…of course!" 

"Do you want it enough to do what ever it takes to get there?" 

"Absolutely!" 

"And patient enough to wait until she is ready, and cope with all the fumbling and frustration that will inevitably come along the way?" 

"I'd do anything…anything to make things how they should be between us…" 

Deanna regarded him thoughtfully for a while. "Chakotay, I want to share something with you. I have Kathryn's permission to share it. Let me say here and now, that it will probably be a long time before Kathryn herself manages to summon up the courage to say it to you herself, but when she does, you will have reached a significant milestone in the recovery of your relationship. She has told me that before it all happened she did love you, and that deep down she is beginning to realise that she still does." Chakotay's heart did a little somersault of joy at this news. Was there really some hope still left in this terrible mire? "Deep down she wants the same thing you do. Now that does not mean to say that it will happen, or even that it would work out how you hope, if it does. This is something that will have to be taken slowly and carefully. It is absolutely essential…and I can't emphasise this enough…that until Kathryn is fully confident with the physical side of your relationship, she never feels out of control of what is going on. This is going to be very difficult for you. I know you are a victim here too, but if you want this, that's the way it's got to be. Are you prepared for that?" 

"Yes. Yes." 

"It means we will have to start slowly. I want you to set apart an hour every evening to be alone together. Let Gretchen look after the children and devote this time to yourselves. At first, I will allow just touching…nothing intimate. And I want you to try and talk about things. Try and talk to each other about the things you have managed to talk about to me over the last few sessions. You need to be prepared not to avoid any subject no matter how sensitive. You need to expose your hurt and pain to each other, and you need to be prepared to listen, no matter how difficult. It won't be easy, but once done the burden of it all will lessen. 

Then we will lift the level of intimacy. There is something you must prepare yourself for, Chakotay. Kathryn will tell you to stop…indeed I will instruct her to do so…and, when she does, you must stop immediately. I will set boundaries on how far you may go. She needs to feel safe at all times. Go jerk yourself off in the bathroom if you need to, but it is essential that you respond to her request without hesitation. You will need to demonstrate very clearly that you can show all necessary restraint. With luck, she will eventually start to feel frustrated that she is not allowed to go farther. Then, one day, God willing, she'll be so carried away, she won't stop you…." Chakotay nodded in understanding. "I need to warn you, it may not happen quickly. Are you prepared for all this? Do you love her enough to do it this way? Please tell me now, because, if you don't, it's better we never consider the possibility of attempting physical relations." 

Chakotay looked at Deanna, with eyes full of hope. "I love her beyond anything. I'd give anything to see her happy again!" 

Chakotay was feeling very buoyant after this discussion, but afterwards he began to worry again. Maybe it was all too risky. He wasn't sure he wanted to jeopardise what little relationship they had over this. Next time, he'd discuss this with Deanna. 

But in fact he found himself discussing it with Kathryn…a sure sign of their greater comfort with each other. Both of them found it far easier to talk about even the most sensitive issues now, simply because they had already managed to express their own feelings in words to Deanna and also because they were essentially telling each other things they already knew. This had been a result of Deanna's function as an intermediary. 

* * *

"You've managed to regain your friendship!" 

"Yes!" 

"Are you glad about that?" 

Kathryn paused. "Yes. I didn't want to at first. But having the twins rather forced us together." 

"Can I put it to you that you were able to do so, because you could remember the good times before the mutiny, the time when you were friends. Your subconscious was able to latch onto that friendship, welcomed it as a good part of your life, and was able to let it flourish again." 

"Perhaps." 

"Whereas you were never intimate with Chakotay then. So there is no part of your subconscious that can remember any good loving intimacy with him." 

"Well no…" 

"Which is why, of course, there is such a huge barrier between you where this is concerned. If you could remember him making love to you in a beautiful and affectionate way, you would have probably got past this a long time ago. Tom and B'Elanna resumed their relationship with very few problems. I know B'Elanna only shot Tom, and it's nothing like as invasive as what Chakotay did to you, but they were able to reach back and remember a loving and fulfilled relationship, and very quickly rekindle it." Kathryn nodded. She understood what Deanna was trying to say. "Do you think Chakotay is capable of being a considerate and respectful lover?" 

"Oh yes." 

"At all times?" 

"Yes, I think so." 

"Is there part of you that is afraid that if you allowed him intimacy it might turn out to be just as it was when he assaulted you?" 

"Oh yes," she admitted, reluctantly. 

"Yet you say you love him?" 

"Yes, I do." 

"And you've always enjoyed the physical side of a relationship in the past?" 

"Yes." 

"And deep down you would like to resume that side of your life…but with Chakotay?" 

"Yes, I think so, but…" 

"But what?" Deanna probed. 

"I don't know." 

"You're hesitant. It's understandable. What would it take to make you decide it was worth trying?" 

"Maybe, if I felt comfortable…could dictate the pace. I don't know…" 

"What if you could feel in control at all times?" 

Kathryn's face lit up. "Is that possible?" 

"With the right man…who loves you more than anything...it is. The question is, do you want it enough to take the risk? Do you trust Chakotay enough to let him touch you?" 

For the first time in ages, Kathryn smiled easily. Their evenings sitting talking things through, touching in a non-intimate way, had brought her a renewed confidence in the man. "Yes." 

* * *

  


They both agreed they wanted it. They were both fearful that it might destroy their fragile, precious relationship, but they both wanted an end to the nightmare enough to take the risk. And neither of them wanted Teero to ruin the rest of their lives. They had a common goal, to achieve the intimacy that had once been their dream...the dream that had been stolen from both of them. Just as Deanna had warned, it was a long and difficult road. But they got there. They progressed from gentle touches to ever more intimate exploration, sometimes feeling frustration at the parameters Deanna placed, with good reason, on their interaction. Chakotay drew on his deep strength to exhibit the most loving patience with Kathryn. 

It wasn't mind blowing and it wasn't earth shattering, but one day, just as Deanna had predicted, she didn't stop him. 

  


* * *

  


Epilogue

  


Chakotay rose and walked naked and invigorated onto the balcony. He stretched his arms and drew in a deep breath, welcoming the pale light and the cool fragrant air of the early morning. He felt joy rising in his belly, something that had been happening for weeks now. He felt as if he…and Kathryn…had finally put the past behind them. They would always remember it. It would always cast a shadow on their lives, but it was no longer clawing at them daily. They could go through hours, a whole day even now, without even thinking of it. Both of them. And their eyes would meet comfortably now and often, with glints of laughter, not shadows of pain. And there had been no more nightmares for either of them. He let out the long breath he had been holding, briefly misting the air before him. Distantly, he could hear one of the children gurgling happily in their cot, and he smiled to himself. 

Last night had marked another milestone in their relationship. They had made love, sweetly, beautifully, tenderly. Just as it always should have been. But she had stayed in his bed afterwards. She had slept in his arms and not crept back to her own room. She had trusted him enough to stay there. He had so much to be thankful for. 

Kathryn climaxed now, frequently and joyfully. It had taken her a while to relax enough for it to happen, still longer for her to allow him sufficient freedom with her body to elicit a variety of intense response. She had even initiated their love-making a couple of times. Another thing to be thankful for. He turned back and gazed through the billowing curtain at the sleeping naked form. She was stirring now, this beautiful woman of his. It was a delight to see the evidence of real healing in her spirit. She'd once said they'd never be friends again. She'd once said they'd never be lovers. Now, they were true companions again, and she really did know now what a tender and considerate lover he…the real Chakotay…was. He was confident that she found their intimacy satiating and fulfilling now. She was even talking about going back to work, and he knew there would be no shortage of offers for someone of her reknown and status. 

The past had been over-written and Deanna Troi was nothing short of a miracle worker. 

Three weeks ago, she had managed croakily to tell him she loved him, shaking with the stress of saying the words. They had both laughed afterwards at the effort it had cost her, and his heart had swelled with happiness. The second time, she tried, the words tripped out much more easily. And the third, and the fourth... 

He smiled at the memory, as the woman on the bed stretched sleepily. He wondered if she'd panic when she realised she wasn't in her own bed. If she did, they'd deal with it. 

He sighed. He had the day all planned out. He had decided last night it was time to venture the next step. He was confident enough to take a few more risks now. They'd leave the children with Tom and B'Elanna…such dear friends now…and he'd take her out to lunch somewhere romantic. Then he'd ask her to marry him. 

She'd say no, of course. He knew that. But he was prepared for it. He knew what he'd say. 

Never say never, Kathryn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was difficult to write...and to revise...but I hope I have done the topic justice. I think it was a reaction to a couple of stories I read with a similar theme, where Janeway gets over it ridiculously easily. I know there are also authors out there that like to see Janeway humiliated. I find those fics hard to stomach, because they show no respect for this amazing woman. That was very far from my intention here. She deserves all the compassion I try to give her here.  
> I rewatched Repression before I finished re-editing this, and realise that it was in fact Chakotay that shot Tom. Call it part of my artistic license. I am also very surprised that no screen time was given to Chakotay and Kathryn sorting out their feelings regarding the Ready Room incident. Chakotay would have been mortified about the way he behaved and we never got to see him apologise or make things right with her again.


End file.
